Men's 4XI vs London Wayfarers Barbarians

Hi all, it’s time for another instalment. This week - the hangover special! 

Lots of things hockey-related to celebrate in this round-up, and that’s before we even get to Boydy’s floral jumper and Jack’s white corduroy jacket. Because, spoiler alert, the men’s 4s won their second game on the trot! Don’t worry, I’ve ordered an industrial sized box of statins to help deal with any stress-related heart conditions which came out of this game. But if truth be told, we deserved this win not only for being the better side but also for digging it out. 

We arrived with a full, well-balanced squad, and started the game brightly. The Wayfarers clearly weren’t the zero-win bottom of the table merchants as advertised, and had good players with pace and skill across much of the park (although not at LB). In fact this was a really good match up. I’d say our squad had a bit more pace and directness at times, and probably played the prettier hockey using the full width of the pitch throughout the game, but the oppo had not a little guile and had us on the back foot for a couple of spells, especially in the second half. Everyone loves playing in such competitive, evenly matched conditions. The trick is to win them as well, which is something we’ve fallen just short of doing a few times this year. 

We created four or five really good chances in the first half, and had the majority of the possession, but aside from a well-taken speculative shot from Dave, we didn’t have much to show for all the work we’d done down the flanks and around the D. Our passing was pretty crisp, and we made good leads up top, and although we didn’t turn over as much as we have done this season, too many attacks fizzled out, or didn’t quite fall for us. The oppo hadn’t been inside our D all half, because we had defended absolutely fantastically, but one miscue five seconds before half time gave the game a slightly misleading 1-1 scoreline. 

I’m not sure what Wayfarers laced their half-time jelly babies with, but they came out like a drunk Lawrence dancing to Mr Brightside - of which more later. Perhaps they sensed we had wasted too many chances, and weren’t actually impregnable after all, and the second half was consequently much more even. We created more chances than them, and managed to get back in front early on courtesy of Mandy, but we let ourselves get a bit ragged halfway through the half. They had extended periods of possession and pressure, and although we kept on clearing our lines, you sensed that the next goal was likely to go against us, especially when we kept giving away shorties. 

But we held out thanks to a combination of stout defending and cool heads buying us breathing space. This is something we’ve not always been able to do this season, so you can see how we’re getting better, becoming more resolute, and making ourselves harder to beat. We’ve conceded late in all the games we’ve lost this year - but this one was different. I’m not a huge fan of giving away loads of short corners at 2-1 up with seven minutes remaining; it’s how I imagine it must have felt at Rorke’s Drift, and it’s not good for me or my blood pressure. But we kept them all out and even managed a couple of breakaways ourselves. So while there was some relief at full time, I think 2-1 was the right result against a decent Wayfarers side who were a genuinely good bunch of lads, and who won’t go all season without a win. 

That’s when it all went wrong. They all came back to the clubhouse and had a good few beers. Precisely three of our squad came back to stay for food and drinks, and one of them didn’t actually play. This is rubbish. I know the clubhouse isn’t round the corner, and I know we do normally get a few players back, but from a squad of fourteen this isn’t a great look. Wayfarers definitely won the social. 

But that’s when it all got good again. It was back to clubhouse for the 4s social night. A pretty good turn out of 4s players, an excellent turn out in general, and a fantastically organised night by the social team. I heard the band were kind of okay in the end, everything ended up being sold out, and once all the money’s finished being counted we think might have raised as much as £2,000. Which is just phenomenal. So a huge thank you to the guys and girls who organised, helped out, spent cash and drank/danced themselves silly (or both, Maj, Lawrence). It was a stonkingly good night, and a fitting one for such a fun match. 

Spike

Had an okay day what with saving two penalty corners, clearing a few loose balls in the D, and remembering (I think) most of the chords to most of the songs. Lost his voice late on in the first half which led to a Wayfarers player making a deeply hurtful comment about balls dropping, but regained it in time for Rappers Delight. Also won a raffle prize for the first time in exactly fifty years!

Maj

Tired out from his conjugal visit to Center Parcs last week, from organising the social, and from having a cold, Maj restricted his minutes v Wayfarers. But when he was on he continued his fine form - he is now often one of our top three most dependable defenders on the pitch at any one time. He only argued with the umps once, and put in a series of excellent defensive stands, timing his interceptions effectively. Maj later drove away the Wayfarers team after they’d finished their teas and Guinnesses by listing literally every raffle prize up for grabs in detail, and then ended the night winning the Jack Nienow memorial trophy for being the drunkest 4s player at a social event, in what was, let me tell you, quite a crowded field. 

Jonno

Another step forward for the man who is quickly becoming indispensable to our defensive unit. Showing extra flexibility by filling in at all positions across the back line, Jonno smothered pretty much everything that came his way. He’s also much more confident on the ball now, having trained and played consistently for weeks now, and his passing and judgement are now at a very high level. We’ve only conceded two goals in the last two games, a big improvement over previous weeks, and that has coincided with Jonno really hitting form. 

Bish

It’s also coincided with this guy coming back into the squad, and although he still likes to do at least one comically terrible pass per match, there’s not much wrong with Bish’s game. He’s up and down that right wing like a turbocharged funicular railway, always coming back to get goal side, and always looking to play positively forwards. A combination of pace and pressure made life tricky for the oppo wingers, he put in a proper shift in a game where work rate won the day, plus he seemed to behave himself reasonably well at the social (although I obviously couldn’t get the full picture from where I was..)

Neil 

Tidy cameo from the Happster, slotting in comfortably at centre back, and commanding the area in front of the D effectively, using a mixture of experience, timing and positioning. Kept things in front of him, he marked well, and marshalled the back three calmly and intelligently. So it’s a shame really that despite all that experience and intelligence and calmness, he managed to get a a green card during perhaps the most critical period of the game trying to mansplain the rules of hockey to the umpires, and did not return. Also missed the social because, and I quote, he was “hosting” this weekend. Which I think deserves another card. 

Pringle

Mighty game from the magenta man himself, possibly his best of the season against a forward line who were no mugs. Apart from the thin edge to third man which presented Wayfarers with their solitary goal, Rob had a vice like grip on the midfield, providing an unbreachable wall of Pringle, and threading the ball like a guy with a shoelace fetish. A very very close contender for the Jack Nienow award, there was a moment around 11pm where Pringle had gone so red I genuinely thought he’d either had a fatal reaction to a jelly shot, or he was getting ready to audition for the new Ribena berry advert. Concerning. 

Dave

A typical high-energy high-risk-of-long-term-injury performance from Dave “Bruce” Lee. A really well taken snap shot gave us an early lead which forced Wayfarers to come at us. Dave said “bring it on” and proceeded to tackle at will, break oppo attacks down at critical moments, and still find time to spend 38% of the match prone on the floor. You’ve got to admire the lad’s grit, and in a game where we had to hold the line, get stuck in and dig out a tough victory, who else would you rather have alongside you in the trenches??

Jack

Another vintage performance from the man they call the Dom Perignon of Redhill. I lost count of the number of times Jack cut in and beat their RB, and it’s a lovely mixture of pace, skill and body positioning which allows him to glide past like an electric floor polisher on a particularly shiny assembly hall parquet floor. Outside or inside, Jack gave us an outlet playing some nice triangles as well as some gorgeous cross-court passes. But as lovely as they were they were nowhere as gorgeous as his Miami Vice jacket. Not everyone can pull that look off but obviously Jack the Lad can, although he was definitely wobblier at the end of the night than at the beginning. 

George

Fab first appearance from George, who I obviously managed to call “Jack” all game, partly because of the close Morgan-Faulkner resemblance, but also because I am an idiot. Playing a little bit out of his comfort zone up the flanks, he showed us both skill and heft, making the most of the space out wide and producing a couple of really nice runs to link up with the forwards. He also got his hands dirty at RB when we were facing a bit of a barrage at the end of the game, and his marking, tackling and clearing helped us see out the game. 

Bertie

Eye catching display from the only player on the pitch shorter than Neil Happs. Bertie gave us genuine width, used his skills and determination to contest balls inside the Wayfarers half to help keep their defence honest, and went on some really fun mazy runs which had the oppo all over the place. But what really impressed me was his communication, not only calling for the ball but directing traffic too, incredibly mature for his years. He didn’t shy away from any challenges, and took players on with confidence and panache. A fantastic debut. 

Mandy

A handy performance from Mandy, clogging up routes out from the Wayfarers back line and giving them nothing at 16s, putting pressure on defenders as they tried to break, and supporting our wingers as they drove up the line and looked to get crosses in. Scored a goal at a really opportune time. With 9 yards of goal to aim at his back pass eventually rolled over the goalie’s foot, very nearly making it to the backboard. A disappointing absentee from the social, Mandy was my each-way bet to be the drunkest man at the entire event. Maybe next time. 

Lawrence

Battling display from the Lozster, with energy, determination and single mindedness at the forefront. Lawrence got behind the oppo defence loads of times, making a proper nuisance of himself, and getting on the end of lots of passes into space. A frustrating day in front of goal (and let’s be honest, very far wide of the goal too) but a hugely impressive effort to keep the pressure on, to create chances, and to keep forcing Wayfarers onto the back foot, giving our defence a breather, and making theirs work hard for everything. The even better news is that Lawrence appears to be just as handy at the bar, and just as enthusiastic on the dancefloor. 

Ludders

Busy day for the Marquis of Luddington, and not just because he played two games. In our one he saw a lot of the ball, making it stick, turning inside to get strong, and driving towards the D. Not everything came off, including that one glorious chance to get a deflection in on goal, but Ludders kept going. I love the way he wants the ball, will come deep or go wider to get it, and just wants to score. Their goalie had a bit of a jammy game, and Matt did everything other than notch, plus he still had fuel in the tank to go to Oxted and play another game. 

Nico

Thoroughbred performance from the boy Orr. 70 relentless minutes of jogging, sprinting, covering, tackling, marking and slide-rule passing. There were a couple of occasions where I thought “uh oh we might be in trouble here” and then who should glide in with their aquamarine stick but Nico “Nice Guy” Orr. Playing the pivot role at centre mid, he spread the ball purposefully and carefully, caressing the ball like a dolphin stroking a particularly juicy peach, waltzing round players like a champion ballroom dancer, and playing through balls which were just a bit too good for us division 5 players, which is why they all just rolled off into touch. But despite that, and despite sounding like a Mafioso, this week’s MoM goes to Epsom’s nicest bloke, Nico. Congratulations!

I’m not saying it was a perfect day. We gave away too many short corners, and had a terrible showing for teas. We had to give away Boydy, Kwesi and Molly to charitable organisations. Maj frightened the opposition off with his raffle chat and then got galactically trolleyed. Dave covered the pitch in blood again and I had to play a song by Ed Sheeran. But on the whole it was a pretty bloody good day. So let’s try and continue that next week. 

Get rid of your hangovers. Come to training. Win next week’s game. Clear?

Spike