Mens 5 vs Merton M2

Well chaps, we waited and waited, and we kept on pressing, and now it’s finally arrived. The route to being promoted is finally in our own hands. We’ve reeled in the top three and now, barring the most suspicious, arithmetically implausible scenario since I got put into top set Maths in Year 7, we know that if we win our last two games we WILL go up. 

But you may have noticed a rather annoying little word in that last sentence; a gittish couple of letters which spell the most irritating of words: IF. The job is by no means finished. The foundations are dug, the back wall’s been put up, but we still need to put the roof and chimney on. However, we control our own destiny now, and that is an awesome accomplishment after the slow start we had to the season. I’m insanely proud of the work you’ve all put in to get us into this position, and it’s something we absolutely deserve. And it’s so satisfying to know that we’re not relying on anyone else for it to happen. It’s up to us. 

Anyway, to the game. Now this matchup had the potential to be an absolute ding dong of a rubber. Two form teams who’ve scored lots of goals and defended tightly all season - something would have to give. A classic in the making, right?? Well, in the end there was actually a bit of a gulf in class. We were objectively much stronger, much more creative, and way more dangerous. We were 3-0 up after 18 minutes and cooking with one of those big canisters of camping gas. Our short corners were finally paying off, and Merton couldn’t put anything together in response. A freak goal gave them a glimmer of hope, but the momentum stayed with us, and we went into the break with a 5-1 advantage. We probably had another dozen chances on top of that. 

I felt pretty confident at this point. So far this season we’ve conceded an average of exactly 1 goal per game, so for Merton to come back was, in reality, a big ask. They’d had their moments in the first half, but after the break they did in fact tail off and never really looked like threatening; if anything we had even more possession than in the first half. And only another single, solitary goal conceded. 

By the hour mark both teams were visibly tiring: us because we only had 11 players, and them because they’d been chasing shadows for sixty minutes. And although there was a ten-or-so minute spell where their ability to substitute saw them get a little bit on top (primarily because we kept giving the ball away cheaply and had to expend valuable energy getting it back) we kept enough intensity going to put the game to bed in relative comfort. Actually, in hindsight it was almost kingsize memory foam mattress levels of comfort. I certainly didn’t envisage a 7-1 scoreline when I was pencilling in permutations on The Spreadsheet of Destiny. I’m still a bit surprised now. 

But as has been the case throughout the season this was another proper _team_ win. I thought we absorbed pretty much everything they threw at us, looking largely untroubled defensively for large swathes of the game. The midfield was where we dominated possession and forced mistakes: as is now customary, the workrate in there was phenomenal. And up front was where we won it: we scored seven, hit the post, and forced a dozen or more saves until their keeper just wilted. 

It warrants a mention that there was a certain level of tension which was palpable throughout the game, and we did well to keep our heads. Merton were aggressive and competitive, which is fine, but also argumentative and confrontational, which is less so. The umpires did well to keep a lid on it, and we did well not to rise to it. It was a high stakes game, for sure, but it could have been played in a slightly better spirit at times. Nothing really bad, but 10% more civility would have been nice. They were decent once the game was over, so no hard feelings. 

Because in the end we ran out comfortable winners, so they can’t have too many complaints or excuses. We’ve now beaten every team in the division; we’ve scored a frankly mind-boggling 85 goals in 18 games, letting in just 18; and we’ve just won our tenth game in a row. Every bit of it worked for and deserved. Massive congratulations to everyone involved. 

Spike: predictably a much busier game this week, and there was a fair bit to do in the first half. A couple of shorts, some goal-mouth melées, and one or two clearances kept me occupied, but the second half was much quieter. Even better news: the warm temperatures + playing two relatively busy back-to-back games means I may have lost enough weight to fit into my posh trousers in time for the end of season party. Result!

Tom: filled in again at RB and produced a game tidier than my obsessive-compulsive Auntie Pam’s glove compartment. Playing with what appeared to be a couple of spark plugs not firing entirely perfectly, Mr T still got up and down the wing to support us at both ends of the pitch. Tom’s tracking and tackling were relentless, and he made one or two really important interventions deep in our own territory. A vintage Rolls-Royce performance from a chap whose 30s, sadly, will also soon be in the rear view mirror. 

Maj: another decent showing from His Most Majestic Majesty. Stayed with the pace all game and ground down the Merton right side by getting in lots of decent tackles, being strong in the 50/50s, and tidying up nicely when we win turnovers around our D. Highlights for me were attempting a reverse stick shot (I know!) in the oppo D and failing gloriously; forgetting the half time jelly babies; and squaring up to their CF, like Popeye when he’s seen Bluto stuff Olive Oyl into the back of his van. I’m not sure how the CPS would view it if Maj had downed a tin of spinach and thrown the bloke over the grandstand. But that’s the sort of thing these match reports are absolutely here for. 

Dave F: which in this case stands for “Formidable”. This was a game where we needed to be strong, decisive and well-organised, which by coincidence were the other three names Dave’s mum and dad considered when they took him down the births registry office. I might be misunderstanding, but I’m always reading disparaging comments in the press about “Big Pharma”. I actually think he’s alright. Not evil or conspiratorial at all. In fact I thought he did really well to mop most things up, guarding that dangerous arc around our D, plus he did some sterling work at short corners, both defensively and offensively. Notched a humdinger, and didn’t appear to exploit any Third World countries over the price of paracetamol. I don’t know what these people’s problem is (??).

Rob: a titanic display, and I’m not just talking about his impressive plumb line and large funnel. Pringle was everywhere, blocking the way through like an OAP on a Sunday drive; smashing through the midfield like the time I went to Barkingside the day after I passed my diving test and destroyed the wing mirrors of six parked cars; flat-sticking long-range passes like a Vietnamese peasant desperately scything wheat before an imminent monsoon; and serving up at least three good short corner injections like an anaesthetist Pete Sampras. Only loses marks for fellating a large bratwurst in the clubhouse (yes, this actually happened) where he got plenty of MoM votes (not for that).

Dave D: I last studied Physics in Spring 1989, but even I remember learning what “a fulcrum” is. And another word for “a fulcrum” is “a Dave Duncan”. I know I say it every week, but has anyone ever actually won the ball off this bloke? Has anyone ever taken possession off him, blocked one of his passes, or forced him into making an error? I don’t think they have. A hockey ball to our very own Declan Rice lookalike is like a cookie to the Cookie Monster, i.e. they want it a lot, they aren’t happy unless they get it, and they’re not going to let anyone take it off them. And Dave bullied Merton. To him they were just another new kid at school to rob cookies off. Not only that but he then polished all their cookies off with one hand while unhooking their sister’s bra with the other. That’s the level of bullying we’re talking about. 

Matt Bishop: another Madgestic performance from Matt “Harold” Bishop. Filling in for us further up the wing in this game, Bish used his pace, strength and directness to bamboozle the Merton left side, dominating possession and turnovers all game. He won things, he created things, and he gave us a great outlet out wide, delivering a display direct from the toppermost of top drawers. Got sufficient votes to force this week’s MoM to a tie-breaker, but since he’s already brilliant at hockey, he’s already agreeably handsome, and he already has irritatingly perfect hair, we thought it would be unfair to the rest of us if he had anything extra going for him. 

Matt L: absolutely awesome commitment from the boy Ludders to make it to this week’s game, which I really do appreciate - and I mean that. Deserved MoM just for his dedication to the cause. Playing in a less familiar role behind the front two, Matt provided the first layer of defence time and again, preventing Merton breaking out from 16s, and blocking off any progress they tried to make from defensive turnovers. When we had possession Matt got in dangerous positions throughout the game, creating chances for himself, laying on passes to fellow forwards, and getting on the end of through balls. Putting pressure on oppositions comes from the front, and M’Lud did that fantastically today. Really unlucky not to score, but that’s the way Duncs’ pilfered cookies sometimes crumble. 

Matt Breese: Breesey may have the appearance and physique of a slightly unsettling animated plastercine cocktail spoon, but he has a hockey brain the size of Ganymede, and more confidence than Leonardo da Vinci waiting to sit the easy paper of a GCSE Art exam. Matt also knows where the goal is, and he’s not about to let anyone stop him aiming for it, even if it happens to be ten Epsom players who are in a better position to score! But you can’t argue with it: nine goals in three games, and the missing jigsaw piece in our short corner routines, Matt has made a key contribution to our promotion push. I’d say a huge thank you to him if I didn’t think the hereditary Breese ego wasn’t already perilously close to overinflation. But I’ll risk it anyway - thanks. 

Lawrence: another barnstorming performance from the Midlands Mauler, a man who has a nose for goal more attuned than a particularly agitated narcotics dog at the Isle of Wight Festival. This game required more graft than craft, but that’s no problem for the Marshster: he can put the hard yards in and play tackler-provider with his eyes closed. And just when we needed it he popped up with two trademark goals, more cerebral than spectacular, but back-breaking for the oppo nonetheless. Loz ran his socks off in this game, wearing down the Merton defence and slowly turning the screw, helping us to a goal difference bigger than Pringle’s third bratwurst. It was like Jeremy Paxman posed them a starter for ten: “Can you stop Lawrence from scoring?” and the Merton team just looked around blankly, fiddling with their shit mascot pig, shrugging. 

Rich: energy, dedication and commitment aside (because that’s what you all now expect as a bare minimum, right?) Rich was a real difference-maker for us in this match. He clogged up everything they tried down their right, and later on through the middle, with considerably more success than his own haemoglobin did with his knee. Merton couldn’t get past him, they couldn’t go round him, and when they tried to go through him they realised he hadn’t come to play tiddlywinks. With pace, strength and a will to win more steely than a battleship’s binnacle, Rich fully deserved his *MoM* award. It’s been coming for a while because his game is getting seriously good, but this performance was his best yet. Does not the old adage say, “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for Rich Lee to lose the ball to a Merton midfielder”? Something like that, anyway. Appropriate applause and salutes all round. 

So there were are. We’re through the dirty side of the storm with just the doldrums to navigate: two more games to get the job finished. We can’t take our eye off the ball - we need to maintain this for 140 more minutes, and we’ve come too far and gone through too much to get complacent now - but we can at last allow our eyes to fix firmly on the prize. 

When the Fives started back in September I remember saying that a realistic ambition for Year One might not be much more than to get a team out every week, to get a core group of players playing together, to make sure we enjoy our hockey, and to get the team established so there would be no danger of folding again. Not only have we done all of those things in spades but we’ve competed, improved and dominated teams as the season’s gone on, putting ourselves in the driving seat to get promoted. All that in seven short months is some achievement, and I want to say thank you to all of you for the parts you have played in making all those things happen. 

BUT we’re not done yet. Next week we’re home vs NPL 2s. Let’s keep our foot on the pedal as we look to run them over on a particularly hazardous pedestrian crossing, and set things up nicely for the final match. Nothing but a win will do, and goal difference may yet come into play, so fetch your big boy hockey pants back from the dry cleaners, coz you’re going to need them. 

And finally - please come to training; please get your availability FOR BOTH GAMES down asap; and please sign up for the various socials if you haven’t already. There’s plenty to celebrate already, and there may be - _maybe_ - more yet to come. 

Spike